You know the feeling you got as a little kid when the night before Christmas rolled around? The excitement? The thoughts of dancing sugar plums? The wondrous ideas of what will be waiting for you under the tree the next morning? The little amount of sleep you’d get because your ears were perked to hear Santa?
The night before a scan is similar.
Yes, there are thoughts twirling in my head, but are made up of what ifs & the potential new paths I may be stumbling down if the news isn’t what I want to hear. Yes, there is somewhat of an excitement, but the excitement is a longing for a positive report, & to continue living; carefree, for the next six months until the next scan returns. Yes, I get very little sleep. I spend most of the night tossing and turning & saying, “if I fall asleep now, I’ll get five hours of sleep……. If I fall asleep now, I’ll get three hours of sleep,” and so on. There are many times I’ll feel Tony’s hand gently rest on my back; to try to calm me down.
As much as I try to think positively, I also have to prepare for the worst. I will not allow myself to get blindsided again. I have to be protected. I lay out the possibilities of disease returning: How will I respond? What plans will I make? I remind myself: life will go on. I am strong, I can handle anything. However, I know it will be difficult to remember if those words I fear creep out of my doctor’s mouth tomorrow afternoon.
I’m back to being terrified.
Last night when we were laying in bed, Tony told me everything will be okay. He told me to get some sleep & not to think about it. He told me he loves me. I’ve been told by some of my bests friends that I am getting positive thoughts and prayers this week. It helps to know I am so loved, even though that sounds silly to say. It does help.
I am also back to being angry.
Why, why, why? I despise going to Mayo. I detest loosing sleep. I loathe cancer. It is unfair; all of it. Unfair.
But before the tears return & fall, I will suffocate them. I will not partake in a Kaylee Pity Party.
Here’s to tomorrow.