the one with a baby

Tonight = Harry Potter + Ace + Fireplace

It is finally fall & I’m not mad about it.

The school year has been in full force for over a month already; the weekends are a blur.

&

as the title says, there’s a baby on the way.

I’m over halfway through my pregnancy & it still doesn’t feel real.

I’ve been sending away guest lists for showers and updating my baby registries, and yet it still doesn’t feel like it’s actually happening.

I’ve seen our baby four times, first it was nothing more than a little bean with a heart flutter,  but then today, kicking, punching, & thumb sucking, and I STILL can’t believe what my eyes are seeing.

Through cancer, chemo, a miscarriage, and a molar pregnancy, I never saw myself here: feeling my baby rock and roll, as Ace snores at my side.

I’ve hesitated saying anything publicly about my pregnancy, obviously my family and friends know, and I’ve slowly shared the news with people I’ll run into around town, but writing about it on a published post makes it feel SO real. Letting down your guard is scary, but as I told one of my best friends, being cautious and guarded isn’t going to make it hurt any less. I had this realization after our 12 week ultrasound, when our baby had grown from a little bean to a teeny, tiny human. I felt like I had missed so many moments of enjoyment and had replaced them with worry and stress, just waiting for the next ultrasound. I decided at that appointment that this was not how I wanted to feel during the rest of my pregnancy.

Do I still have my moments?

Yes.

I know it will be normal to have fleeting doubts and fears, but I’m trying my hardest to be present. [Similar to dealing with my time between CT scans.] I don’t want to miss out on the moments I’ll never get back with this baby and this pregnancy. Just like my on going feud with cancer, I will not let worry and stress win.

I’ll touch more on pregnancy details later, or maybe not, but honestly, I just want to publish this post for myself. I need to see that when I hit the publish button everything will still be okay, regardless of what the future may bring.

Our little rainbow is growing away, getting ready to meet us in February, and I need to be my strongest self when that time comes.

xo