Yesterday’s scan was a big one.
My cancer has the highest recurrence rate in the first 18 months off of chemo. This first year of being scanned every three months has been nerve wrecking, to say the least. But, yesterday after being told my imaging and blood levels looked pristine, the elephant, that had been dancing on my chest disappeared, [at least until my next scan in June].
Lately, I’ve been avoiding this place.
When I say ‘this place,’ I am referring to writing new posts.
Usually, my post are reflective, yet positive. At least that’s always the tone I try to set. However, most of my posts glide me back through some experiences of muddy waters in order to see things crystal clear again. I have been brought back to places I don’t necessarily need to relive, moments I want to forget, and emotions that are hard to get over.
I’ve been trying to find a new voice.
A voice that respects where Kaylee has been, yet challenges her to grow and move forward.
Today, the thought of writing literally pained my heart. I was thinking of every excuse not to write a post, yet deep down, I really really wanted my thoughts out.
Today, was my due date with the twins.
Yet, the twins turned into a molar pregnancy.
So, reflecting and writing about the twins I never really had didn’t seem like something I could do or should do.
Did I ever really have them? I’m still unsure.
There are still so many questions still surrounding my summer pregnancy, a pregnancy that feels like light years ago at this point, but I’ve learned to let go of a lot of them. Over the past couple months, I’ve lived in the present, and each day it’s gotten easier not to dwell on the past.
I figured I owed an explanation of where I’ve been since January 1st.
I’ve been trying to find Kaylee.
A Kaylee that is content and happy, not simply writing and reflecting about it.
And I think she’s finally here.
I’m not sure where it clicked just right in life lately, but I’m finally here.
I promise I’ll be back more frequently, organizing, cooking, and flooding my blog with pictures of the cutest vizsla out there 🙂 Thanks for still being here.
xo,
