I officially have one week of summer left.
This summer has been an interesting one. It’s brought family memories, warm, humid weather, and very few house projects. This summer also brought a new type of heartache and a strength I didn’t know I had. It has been one for the books – both one I will always remember and one I want to forget.
Let me just get it out there: at the end of July I miscarried twins.
We had gone in for our 8 week ultrasound appointment, giddy with excitement, anxiousness, and uncertainty. Morning sickness had taken over my days the past week, and I swore up and down I was starting to get a ‘belly.’
But we sadly heard the words, “I can’t find the heartbeats,” [wait heartbeats?!] & my world stopped.
I actually compare this moment a lot to the moment I was told I had cancer. Everything and everybody around kept hustling and bustling, but I sat still, paralyzed. I was angry that people just kept living: Didn’t they know my babies didn’t make it? How dare they smile at me. Why doesn’t the world stop for everybody else? How can they just keep living like nothing happened?
I’m lucky to say I somewhat know this feeling; I’ve been hear before, I know I need to wake up every day and find the good. But this time around, it’s been hard.
Sadly, over three weeks later I’m still dealing with the reminders of what I had a month ago. Some days, I’m still left in shock – did that really happen? How has it already been three weeks since those two little souls left this earth? But then, I’m jolted back to the life I’m living: cancer scans.
Remember, that pesky cancer diagnosis?
My next set of scans are on Monday & I see Dr Robinson on Tuesday; a reminder of how far I’ve come the past five years. A reminder of the strength I have, the support I have, and a reminder to just continue to beat on, boat against the current, [F. Scott Fitzgerald].
Back in June, when I wrote about my first loss, it helped me take a step forward. As hard as it is for me to put these personal feelings out there, I always do it to connect with those that need it. But selfishly, it really does help me breathe a sigh of relief and take the next step forward.
I know I’ll meet those two little raspberries someday, in the meantime I know my grandma is taking good care of them 🙂
The 2018-2019 school year is going to be here before I know it – a fresh start, new students, new goals, and another great step in the right direction.
Here’s to all you other mommas that have lost one too soon – I see you.
xo
