Today is National GIST Awareness Day.
Last year, I was a featured blogger on ihadcancer.com and wrote this piece describing my journey. I wrote a blog post about life with GIST last year, as well, [you can find that post here]. This day floods my mind with memories. It forces me to reflect on the past and where I want to go in the future.
I have to admit, there are times I completely forget I’ve had a cancer diagnosis. I skip around life without a worry or concern in the world. I eat all the carbs I can get my hands on. I forget to take my chemo pill after dinner.
I love those days.
Those are the days I wish I could freeze time. Those are the days I feel like the old Kaylee. Those are the days I truly feel invincible.
Most days are not like those days, especially recently.
I’m not sure if it’s the approach of my five year mark, [April 2018], or just in general, my anxious personality, but my mind is starting to slowly go crazy.
In past years, I’ve talked a big game of going off of chemo early, having children the second I’m off of chemo, and how excited I am to just be again. But, as I’ve begun to think of the reality after chemo, I start to hyperventilate.
“What has cancer done to me?”
I find this question constantly circulating my thoughts and I can’t seem to make it disappear.
I’ve become terrified at the thought of not wearing my protective shield, [chemotherapy]. I’ve become fearful of any new ache or pain. I’ve become frightened at the thought of getting pregnant while still on cancer-watch.
It’ll be a whole new battle come April, but until then, I know taking things day by day is key. Being the planner that I am, it’s an extremely hard mind set, but it is the best thing I can do for myself moving forward.
All I can do is be positive, think positive, do positive.
>>>>
“Every night we go to bed, without any assurance of being alive the next morning but still we set the alarm to wake up.
That’s called Hope.”
xo, my roses
