Has happiness ever scared you?
There was a point in my life, [two years ago to be exact], I was blissfully happy & content. I was so happy, in fact, that it completely terrified me. I was helping my best friend plan her wedding, had a trip to Vegas planned, & Tony and I were going to start trying for a baby; everything was perfect. Subconsciously, I was almost waiting for something tragic to happen. You know the rest of the story, but I got the wind knocked out of me & everything changed forever.
I’m back to feeling beautifully fulfilled with life. Even sleepless nights, [the dreams are back, which makes sense, because my next scan is approaching], have not discouraged my positive glow. Maybe it was my little tropical getaway? Maybe it’s summer break tapping lightly on my door? Maybe it’s Ace’s excellent behavior? Or maybe I’m finally at ease with everything? Maybe I’ve finally accepted the road in front of me… & even better yet, I’m enjoying it?
However, with euphoria radiating in my every word, I’m back to being terrified.
I am tiptoeing on a tightrope towards the sun, and I am in constant fear of getting burnt. Cancer has completely stolen my sense of security. Cancer has had it’s grip on my heart, not allowing it to pump strong and proud, but beat to a soft drum, in angst of being too loud. It really does have complete control – & that fact infuriates me.
The question splattered in red paint, across my mind, is screaming WILL I ALWAYS HAVE THESE FEELINGS? Will this fear continually make it’s home? Is my mind strong enough to erase that inquiry for good?
I don’t know if my spirit will ever grow enough to overcome that red paint. But.. I tell you what – I’m trying with everything I have for that peaceful calm, once again.
Water does not resist. Water flows. When you plunge your hand into it, all you feel is a caress. Water is not a solid wall, it will not stop you. But water always goes where it wants to go, and nothing in the end can stand against it. Water is patient. Dripping water wears away a stone. Remember that, my child. Remember you are half water. If you can’t go through an obstacle, go around it. Water does.
– Margaret Atwood
xo – Happy Thursday, cookies.