Well, it’s that time of year. The time of year when my stomach starts turning into knots, I snap at people easily, & I don’t sleep. It’s the time of year Bon Iver is heard in my classroom, when I relax at home, and when I blog. It’s the time of year when I cry at something as simple as dropping my new mitten in the snow, (yes, it happened this morning).
My six month scans are approaching.
Am I going to go through this the rest of my life? Am I always going to have to worry and wonder what will they find? My life goes so smoothly until these appointments approach. Sure, I have my moments, but overall, I lead a happy life. It’s simple, full of love, and it’s passionate. But these scans, bring the darkest thoughts. These scans remind me that I have no control over certain aspects of my life, important aspects. They pull me apart, slowly.
I can feel my mind beginning to loose control. It all starts with night; sleep. My sleep is restless and I have vivid dreams. I never normally remember the dreams I have, but the past couple nights I have remembered them all. Last night my tattoo, (the one that I don’t have, but want), started to crawl off my arm during my CT scan, so that I wasn’t able to see it, and I was left to stare at the IV in my arm. While the awful humming sound of the machine and the agitating voice, “take a breath….. and hold……” continued, I was short of breath because I couldn’t see my focus – be brave. It sounds like the dumbest dream EVER re-telling it now, but I woke up in a bone-chilling sweat. My t-shirt was drenched, as if I had just ran a 13k and my hair was matted around my face. Why had I felt so scared?
Sleep; it all starts with sleep.
I think that creates everything else to go to hell – even dropping my new mitten in the snow. I’m walking around like a zombie, and it’s only going to get worse as my appointments get closer.
Sometimes letting out a good cry helps, it did today. Sometimes I know it’s okay to feel scared. I know it’s not realistic for anyone to keep it together all the time. This week I’m going to try to make things easier – bed early, Bon Iver, making out with Tony :), a couple good runs on the treadmill while listening to some hip-hop, & relax.
I need to relax; especially my mind.